Year One is Done

I presented my summer paper on Friday.  It was the first time I presented to the entire faculty.  It sparked some reflection. I'm a planner. My husband would tell you that we live in excel spreadsheets.  It's calming for me, but I'll admit its probably not completely healthy.  During the year leading up to starting the PhD program, I had everything meticulously planned.  I paid down debts, built up savings, brushed up on my calculus, and generally found great ways to make life as stress-free as possible. God had other ideas.

Nothing in life has been difficult for me.  I sound a little spoiled when I say that -- but I don't mean financially.  Financially, my parents taught me that you can still do a lot with just a little.  I had no idea how much money we had growing up--I just new that if I really needed something (and sometimes when I really wanted it), they'd do something to make it happen.  But I'm talking about life, not money. Achieving my goals has always been a given -- state quiz bowl? academic all-state? softball all-districts? national merit? higher GMAT? an extra degree? national office? top ten senior? outstanding graduate? check. check. check. check. check. check. check.  With the exception of 22 months of fighting infertility before eventually giving up (which, regardless of my growing understanding of biology, still feels like a failure), I sailed through the first 26 years of life. Sure, I worked hard, but stumbling blocks were few and far between. 

I considered getting a PhD for about 8 years before I finally applied. The year before moving here, I worked full-time, taught twelve sections (8 preps!) as an adjunct, prepared tax returns on the side, and completed a MAcc as a full-time student.  I knew I had to slow down to transition to a PhD and successfully land the placement I want.  I made a conscious effort to slow down -- to focus on my responsibilities as a doctoral student.  Ironically, that's when God decided to introduce me to what life is really like. 

Here's Life in Year One (beyond actual school stuff):

1. Deal with husband's unexplained debilitating abdominal pain, and all of the doctors visits and medical bills that come with that.

2. Adjust meticulously planned budget to accommodate the six months of unemployment to deal with the diagnosis (which was finally, after dozens of visits to specialists and several imaging studies, diagnosed as a separated rib).

3. Get rear-ended on the way to class.

4. Bury my husband's uncle, aunt, and cousin (not all at the same time or from the same side).

5. Get a headache -- for six months straight.

6. Start having bouts of blindness.

7. Start having constant pelvic pain--movement, exercise, bathroom trips, and any other activity become excruciating.

8. Lose the ability to drive for six months.

9. See over 80 doctors in 8 months.

10. Spend hours researching specialists to find someone who will look beyond the "perfect bloodwork" and "insignificant imaging" to figure out why I'm going blind, have a constant headache, am constantly off-balance, and can't move without having excruciating pain in my midsection.

11. Have two surgeries -- and two recoveries.

12. Have some lumbar punctures.

13. Have a blood patch.

14. Go to the ER twice.

15. Demolish and repair master bathroom because of mold in the floor joists.

16. Deal with marital stress, potential separation, reunion.

17. Fight--a lot--with insurance.
18. Get braces to fix deteriorating bite.
19. Be told to lose 30 pounds.
20. Pass a 18 hours of coursework, write a summer paper, and pass a qualifying exam.

And here's what I learned from it:

Life is all about rolling with the punches.

I planned it all out perfectly.  We were going to come out of this experience with a PhD and some savings (ha!).  Instead, we're learning that we can't have everything, even if we work really hard to get it. 

Admit when you need help.

About six months into begging doctor after doctor to help me figure out what was wrong, my husband started to run out of sick leave.  I couldn't drive, so I needed help getting to doctor's appointments. After being independent for nearly 10 years, I had to call my mommy for help.  That humbles you really quickly -- but it also reminds you that your mommy is always there for you.

Persistence

People say that the biggest requirement for success in academia is persistence.  Despite the crash course, I think God has prepared me for that this year.  If nothing else, I am stubborn and persistent.

If you love what you do, do it.

Despite all of the stress, and the naturally impossible nature of doctoral studies, I love what I'm doing.  I used to do everything I could because it was all easy.  Now I can focus my efforts on one thing--because it never gets boring and it's definitely not easy.

Support systems matter.

You can be as positive and determined as you want, but there will be times in life when a call from your oldest friend or a hug from your new friend make all the difference. There will be times that curling up in bed and calling your mommy fixes everything, even if just for a few minutes. I get it now. 

Find time to take care of yourself now or you won't have a choice later

Like many doctoral students, I gained 30 pounds in my first semester.  Although both problems were mostly idiopathic, weight doesn't help any health problems.  I learned to put exercise and grocery shopping higher on my list.  

Appreciate your strengths--and your weaknesses.

I hadn't found many weaknesses before this year.  Now I've seen plenty.  And I'm okay with that.

Slowing down doesn't mean being less productive.

My entire life, I've packed my schedule with as many things as possible.  This year, I learned that I can focus in on a few things and do them really well without adding any filler.

Life was pretty crazy.  Looking back, I'm still not completely sure I know how I survived.  But I'm super excited about finishing this program.  I like to say that I have all the hard stuff behind me (knock on wood!).  Despite the stress--and the ridiculous drama that became my life--I genuinely enjoyed last year.  I learned SO much about who I want to be as a researcher, a teacher, and a colleague.  I am where I belong.